just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He passed out mid-signature
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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