He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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