so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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