I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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