Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
