You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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