im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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