I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
