so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
