Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i barfeds in our rink
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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