It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
