Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
