I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
