did you get engaged???
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
