I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
