Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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