my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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