I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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