I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
