K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
