I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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