I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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