Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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