I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
