went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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