nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
