the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
