It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
