I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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