They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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