I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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