just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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