I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
