i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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