Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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