Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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