There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
