I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
