I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
