Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
