Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
