Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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