so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
