weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
