I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
