we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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