Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
