just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
