soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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