I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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