he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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