had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
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You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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