You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
