i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
