Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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