it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
