He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think my moral compass just broke
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
