i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
