My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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