I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
