I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
