tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
